went to the funeral today. my second funeral in my life. the family is definitely strong though, i have to say. i respect them a great deal. i wonder if i could ever be as strong as they are.

i find i'm more exhausted than ever, after this past week. i think having that sub all last week really threw things off. i have a lot of thoughts... too many to type out. i haven't been terribly good at writing in my reflection journal this past week. my UCLA masters classes start this week too. =p add more stuff to my plate. i have to play the catch-up game and get my ish together. come visit, folks! i'd love to have another adult in the room so i can focus more small group/individual attention. also, they have to listen to me too much. it's nice to change it up. miss u all. vejea and erick are here kickin it at our apt. =) reminiscing on old SD times. *sigh* i miss everyone in sd...

i'm always so exhausted... *sigh* help.

i think i had my roughest day yet. today was definitely a trying day. i have one student who is really a challenge, mostly behaviorally. too much happened today. i learned more about her today, and talked to her mother. finally made phone calls to families this past week. they're all very cool, so far. =) hopefully most of them will be able to make it to Back-To-School Night tomorrow nite. so exciting! wheee~

ok tomorrow is going to be a very crazy day, what with all the different things going on. i will be a very frazzled ms. lee...

i haven't felt both anger and sadness at the same time so strongly before. or maybe i have and i just don't remember it well because it's been so long. one of my former students that i tutored over the summer (and who is formerly and currently one of benji's students) is now without a father. several days ago we heard news that her dad was shot and killed. all i could think was that it's not fair, and the only things that came out of my mouth was profanity. i didn't want to believe it. we visited her and her family yesterday nite. her mom is an amazingly strong woman. she has to be, for the sake of her 3 young ones. i can't stop thinking about it. i can't help but be sad and concerned, and reminded of all of our mortalities. i hope she knows that she can turn to either of us for anything, anytime. i don't know what else i can do for her. and i can't say i understand how she feels. all i can do is offer her comfort. i feel so helpless...

people just need to stop their f***ed up shit.

i didn't mention that on friday i cried for the first time in front of my students. the girl who threw the chair which hit another girl. the fact that she feels so much anger, or whatever, enough to throw a chair makes me sad. i was emotional because there was quite a bit of crying going on, from both parties involved. it's SO STUPID that there's so much ish going on outside of school, why do they need to do it IN school??? it makes me really, really sad...

on another note. at training this week i got a number of interesting comments from other teachers. a few comments about my age and how young i look. another teacher, after finding out that i taught in watts, asked, "are the kids teachable?" well no s***. other teachers were giving me advice about how, "you dont want to retire on a teacher's salary. go get your administrative credential or your master's and get paid more." um, yeah. i'm not in it for the money, i need to be in the classroom. then they ask me, "you want to be a teacher forever?" and i say, "yes"... is that so odd?

haha, my blog ads up top are for buying teacher products and school furniture. interesting.

i can't stop thinking about school this upcoming week. as the 3rd week of school approaches, all i carry with me are worries. i will be out this entire week to attend a mandatory literacy program training. there will be a sub taking charge of my class for this whole week. i've seen such horrible subsitutes. i don't want them to mess up my kids. i know this is a really pessimistic view, but really. there are some BAD subs out there. i feel like i'm just starting to establish the sense of community in my classroom, and now i'm going to be out. i hope my fears turn out to be unjustified.

on friday i got a new girl in my class. i'm worried for her. she's a very angry little girl. even though no one did anything to her in my class, she picked up a chair and threw it at another girl. the girl just happened to be in the path of the chair. u can imagine how upset i became. this is someone i want to get through to. she can't write her letters, she can't write her numbers, she can't identify them... she can't even write her name. i have a lot of homework to do, because i need to find out what her story is. but i WILL NOT have her hurting other students.

my class has a long way to go. sometimes i just look back and sigh. am i being an idealist? i hold onto certain philosophies that i will not let go of. i will not give out little stamps or stickers, no rewards. if i give out a "reward" it will be to the entire class. i want my students to care for each other, not hit each other, not stick their tongues out at each other, not shove, not poke, not bite, not tattle... is this something unreal that i'm expecting of first graders? i have this vision of what my class will be like. i know i will not achieve it until many many months from now. but still, i can't help but feel like sometimes i just plain suck as a teacher. i do a lot of thinking even after school is out. i stay at school until about 7 or 8pm. i haven't gotten home any earlier than 7pm since i've begun teaching. and yet, i feel like i have so much to do. i want my students to be the best. i want them to harness their interests and fly with it. i want to foster learning and build bonds with their families. i want so much for them, but i feel like i have a long long way to go before these things happen. i feel like i'm disappointing myself. but i think i've accomplished at least one thing. my students know i like them and care for them. and i know my students care for me. =) that's just step one.

my students are growing on me... =)

i've survived and am still smiling after my first week of teaching. what a rollercoaster ride, though. from having some thoughts about whether i would be able to even DO 1st grade, to thinking how cute and fun they are, to thinking how frustrating and tiresome they could be, to how observant and intelligent they are. i've felt a lot of things just in this first week. and i've reminded myself of a lot of things as well. my classroom is slowly coming together as i am continuing to add details that i've neglected. and with my students' contributions to the classroom environment, it should look much better. =) i must say though, that as a teacher, i'm not too happy with myself. although in some ways i am. basically i'm feeling a lot of different feelings. i'm juggling them around, but i know i'm still grounded. i've got a great deal of support. i'll never forget that and i won't take it for granted.

come visit my classroom! my kids are so CUTE! rowdy and energetic, too. apparently i also have a full-time TA! O_O imagine that. but she's out due to surgery until next month. tha's cool. extra adults is always helpful. so come on by, folks~ =)

IT'S BEGUN. today was it. all these years being eager and anxious boiled down the first day... my first official day as a public school teacher. i have many thoughts. mostly harsh ones of myself. i'm not used to the primary grades. the lowest i'm really familiar with is second have of second grade. that's really different from fresh out of kindergarten. it's in first grade that they begin to stay full days, they play on the main playground, they really become acquainted to school culture (doing and returning homework, training to expand their attention spans, etc.). i'm proud of them that they were able to control their bladders so well! one of them i asked if he could wait til recess, which wasn't too far away. it was actually 30 min. til recess. 15 min he asked again, and i said, oh almost! finally 5 min later he asked and i said yeah it's time for recess! that's good hang time for a little guy, if u ask me. =)

i'm really curious to see how my personality will rub off on them... and how theirs will rub off on me. =) i wonder if i will be able to foster the kind of classroom community i envision. i don't think i'm being too hopeful or far-fetched. i need to hang on to faith -- faith in myself, mostly. i don't think i have enough of it.

time for round 2....

how many times in your life do you get a check for $500 and not know what it's for? i was wracking my brain thinking, "what could this check possibly be for? it's usually never to the exact dollar amount..." it was issued by UCLA, but it didn't have a description. so i'm thinking, it COULD be fin aid, but that's really odd cuz i'm supposed to get significantly more. and i thought, maybe it's for GEAR UP, but again, it's more than that. and it's not a stipend, so why is it to the exact dollar amount? so i was just talking about it with mayrin, and she said, maybe it's for that UCLA math teacher training. and i'm like.. ooooohhh~!!!! that's RIGHT! we get $500 if we go to that training. which, in itself, is quite an odd concept to me that teachers get paid to attend training. but that's an entirely separate subject. i'll take it. i got rent and no income. i wonder how much i'll get for GEAR UP. i get paid the first of the month. oh look! that's today. =)

i just realized that my past several posts have been about my anxieties as a first year teacher. and rightly so. that's really been the main thing on my mind as my first day of teaching looms nearer and nearer. saturday the school was open for most of the day, so that's when i put on my power cap and got my classroom as ready as it could be. it's still pretty bare. it's not decorated or prepared the way i had envisioned it. things that were floating around were just stuffed into my cabinets. i can organize that stuff later. but as important it is to get my classroom together, the curriculum is more important. today i'll sit down and seriously think about the curriculum for this first VERY CRUCIAL week of school. it will set the tone for the rest of the year. i will not let it slip by me. i'll have too many regrets. i feel like i'm repeating the same things, but that's how i feel. my students and my classroom will become a new priority beginning tomorrow.

yesterday was madness as i helped benji in his classroom (he gets 4th graders this year!), then had to go back to my old apartment to move the rest of my things out. the dood i sublet the place to helped clean. so yes, that took a great deal of energy. i came home and vegged, fell asleep on the couch, and now here i am wide awake. i'm physically drained from this entire weekend. i feel like i've been doing a hell of a lot of moving. i'd better be buff soon. ok, need to maintain a regular sleeping schedule. gone are the days when i used to IM late into the nite. gone are my college-going habits. i have to behave as an adult now... (more so than not). please keep in touch and lemme know how you're doing. also please visit. the roomies and i are thinking about having a housewarming type deal, after we sorta tidy up. =)