i can't even keep up with my own self. can't hang with my ups and downs. some of my days are find and filled with lots of love and friends, while other days i feel like i'm kinda forcing myself to lift up my spirits. i definitely need the help of others when i get days like that. lotsa things going on simultaneously which account for such insanity. i want things to be sorted out quicker, but i know time is something that i have to work with rather than against. i keep thinking i should be writing to help with this area. some of my intuitions i want to believe, while others i wish would not become reality. *sigh*

i must say, though, i had a great time in SD this weekend. my friend steve got married. CONGRATS! a beautiful wedding. went to my friend alex's housewarming, so congrats to him on his new condo. thanx to dave lang for going with me to the wedding reception. i'm sure he appreciated the very filling chinese banquet dinner and open bar. and congrats to the new APSA board and graduating seniors on another successful year. i'm glad i got to catch up with some folks at the banquet. richard and jas, i'm glad i got to catch up with u two also. i'm glad to see and hear u both are well. =) it feels really nice to reconnect again. and no thanx to lang for kicking my ass so badly in all our foosball matches!! my poor blisters... now i have to sucker in some other poor souls to kick their butts to make myself feel better.

the end of the year is slowly nearing. despite all the head-butting and tension between myself and the principal, she actually gave me an excellent end-of-year evaluation. weird. i have then sense that she may not be returning. hard to explain. in other new news, i'm going to be doing a mexican folkoric dance with a couple other teachers this week! so random. i'll be all dolled up and dancing away in my fancy dress. im' on a hunt for some good folklorico shoes though...

i have a big screw stuck in my tire. i should get it out soon. recommendations?

i guess when something drastic happens in your life, it's good to have something else to occupy your mind. but freakin a... don't wanna go overboard with it. now i need to try to find a third thing to get me to not think so much about the second thing. i'm so vague this is fun. =) i have no patience for time!!! and yet for other things i want time to slow down... aiya!

i'm going to guatemala this summer! got accepted into a progressive spanish language immersion program for 3 weeks in august. reading through the welcome packet i'm getting kind of scared. arrive and travel via public transportation within guatemala on my own. i've never been to a foreign country entirely on my own before. i'm actually kinda scared. and apparently i have to get hella vaccinations and whatnot too. is $500 a good price for roundtrip to/from guatemala?

i also found out last week that i was accepted into the UCLA writing project invitational for teachers! only 20 fellowships were offered, and they liked me!! so deja vu, as i walked into the very same room as i did when i applied to the ucla teacher ed program 4 years back. and just as 4 years ago, i also walked in 15 minutes late. it's gonna be an intense program, m-f all day for all of july. O_O i'm game, bring it! i'm excited to see what this summer will bring.

don't tell my parents but...i'm considering moving out, and i've got my eyes set on k-town! my roomie? tep buddy, liz! went apt shopping around USC area last weekend and, well, not too pleased. k-town, though, looks very promising (parking being the only issue)! as u can see, i have lotsa new things to look forward to! onward, janet, adelante!

well going to a big party on my own, where i don't know many people, was new. i'm glad i did it. i'm getting bolder! last nite i went to a pretty cool block party with some good peoples. funny thing is that it ended up with police coming over. we didn't end the party but had to tone it down, not that it was crazy anyway. kinda funny, bunch of older 20-somethings to 30s having a regular party. geez. from the party i had a lot of interesting thoughts and questions. it's good to think new things! i'm just itching to find the answers to some of my questions though. i think then i will be able to find more peace with myself...

i like being ok. =) every once in a while though i get in kind of a weird mellow mood. but most of the times i'm doing great! my kids of course make it all worthwhile. i took 6 of them out to the pow wow in east la college. enjoyed watching native american dances, eating navajo frybread, supporting different organizations and groups by buying CDs, t-shirts, books... got myself a tan too. i was good this time though! actually put on sunblock. good janet.

anyway, something is happening to me cuz now i'm starting to write poetry again. trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. i started to just free flow journaling, stream of consciousness style, and in the midst of it two poems just busted out. too personal to publish, sorry whoever might be reading this. makes me feel good to see on paper (er, screen) what i've been feeling but haven't said. i think some of it is just bitterness, though. ah, it's part of the process...

going to things alone might be something i'll have to get used to... already went to 3 events alone. i know it'll make me stronger! yes? sure, why not. i feel i'm also starting to connect with the korean organizing community. drumming has really help to catalyze that. maybe this is the time for me to start steering myself forward. this is my time to grow. i don't need to be in the shadows of another individual. why'd i let myself be there? people look to me for leading things, and at my school i feel like i need to step it up. well, i turned in a very long letter to the principal today. i'm scared. i know it had to be done, but it's nerve-wracking. but new and different is good. pushing myself is good. tomorrows always bring new things. i await tomorrow. =)

i've maintained this blog for 6 years now... i looked back on some entries way back in the day, and i'm actually learning from myself. observe from what i wrote in dec. of '02:

"there are many other things in life when we find ourselves wishing that things were the way they used to be. the quote that i live by cannot hold truer than in this case. experience is definitely the hardest teacher of all. u get a pop quiz, and u have to pick an answer right then. u have no choice. u deal with it, but eventually u learn the lessons that come with the test. the test of time is truly the hardest challenge. how do u deal with change?
as i've mentioned before, i have learned much about myself in the past several years, and i continue to do so. i've learned that i am able to overcome things without going completely insane (key word: completely). and as i grow older i've found myself being able to deal with things with more strength, dignity, and grace (at least, i'd like to think i do). i won't deny that i'm a very proud person, in that i don't let people see me weak. sometimes i slip, and i feel like such a wuss. but i am only human, and i accept my shortcomings.
i am thankful for change, for i know change happens for a reason."

"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."

=) it makes me smile. i see growth. i remember the feelings i felt when i wrote my entries. i see the personality that is me, and the things i would have liked to change. life is crazy... and i still do believe things happen for a reason, and i really am smiling because it happened, not because it's over.

for other womyn who need some waker-upper-ish romantic comedy, i highly recommend "diary of a mad black woman." i'm so glad i watched it! things are going to be ok, and i'm learning so much about my relationship, the other person, and of course, myself. what i want, and what i'm not willing to negotiate. i am janet. hear me roar.

my sickness turned out to be bronchitis... again! i get it every other year or so. =p
i'm in a much better place than i was a month ago. friends help so much! i love my friends. it was good to see the old boys from SD last weekend. i went to bed when the sun was coming up! haven't done that since college days. i miss la jolla bonfires. i like contained fire. =) and smores. mmm... thanks guys for being.. there. i miss u!!!
i don't feel sadness so much as a feel disappointment now. i can't explain it. i'm actually ok. =) not 100%, not even 90% but definitely more than halfway ok! i can't wait to be totally ok soon. i think i'm progressing at a pretty good pace. i actually think i'm handling all this in a great way!!! being single won't be so bad...